Lung Butter. [07 Mar 2002|02:07pm] I tried to quit smoking recently. Yeah, I know, quitters never win. But I woke up the other morning, and Hacked up this black phlemy mass, which I mistook for part of my SOUL! So I did what any other self respecting smoker would do in such a predicament. I switched to Ultra Lights. What a latent crock of shit these things are. Ultra Lights. It's like trying to smoke a regular light through a styrofoam cup! I come from a whole family of smokers. My father smoked so much, that my entire family is going to be buried in Marlboro national cemetery. I get to spend eternity next to the two midget bailiffs from night court. With the price of cigarettes as high as they are now, I have been forced to huff fumes off my car. We as smokers, (and I am referring to the REAL smokers, not these pansy wanna be's that smoke fruit flavored herbal cigarette's. Hand rolled in some third world sweat shop by a nine year old. All of you can eat my old, cancer ridden voice box.) have enough health problems to deal with, what with heart disease, brain damage, and stupid babes. But we have to smoke outside, in all kinds of weather, in the trunk of a car, nine blocks away, under a rock. Or worse, if you have been to the airport and have to smoke, they have these large display booths set up. So when you need to have a butt, you feel like the newest exhibit at the zoo. I say fuck it, give them a show! "Look mommy, that one is baring his teeth, and throwing his dung at us! Can I have my picture taken with it?" And lastly, have you seen these commercials they are calling the Truth campaign? What a waste of time this is. All these little skits, and scenes where a bunch of self righteous assholes do nothing but hound and berate smokers in mass? I heard one on the radio that sounded like Steven Hawking with a cancer kazoo bitching at me for not realizing that smoking leads to all kinds of medical problems. Give me a brake! I don't care what toxic chemicals there are in my Kamel reds. All I know is it tastes like pleasure to me! So smoke'em if you got'em 2 comments|post comment

My home town. [07 Mar 2002|01:56pm] Ah yes, Pa Dutch/German food. Where no part of the animal goes to waste. If you can't BBQ it, fry it, or bake it, slap that bitch in a jar. Fill it with Vodka or Gasoline, stick it in the basement for about 3 or 4 decades, and surprise, you made MEAT JAM! Sounds like a Disney film with Mikel Jordan and the corpse of Bill Murry. After Jordan retires for the 77th time, and is all fat. I don't want to get off on a Rant here, but... The fucked up thing, is people come from all over the country just to by REAL PA Dutch and Amish food. "It's so interesting, this is the way they have been making food for generations." "They haven't washed their cloths for generations either, but there ain't no Amish Gap stores around here!! Find a BURGER KING -have a coke and smile. You'll thank me." Look at these fucking people. They look like they still have the Black Death. And you want to buy your kumquats from them cause it looks more Martha Stewart? These are people who think that whittling is a marketable skill. Hi! My name is Jerry. I live in the bunny Barn. I like to MEAT people. I collect Serial Killer trading cards. Want to help me Milk Grand pa? God I miss the east coast. Harley.j.Qwin 3 comments|post comment

The rain in Portland falls mainly on my ASS! [24 Feb 2002|01:43pm] I just moved to portland, Or. not too long ago, from a small town back east that still gets fucking SUNLIGHT. Jesus who did these people piss of in a past life, Hitler? Come on, it's dark all the time, Rains at a moments notice. I think this place is built on a cemetery. Steven King material. Shit this kind of weather is right out of the old testament. Hell, Noah got the hint after forty days and forty nights. He stepped outside, looked up into the sky, and said, "Don't look like this shit gonna stop. Kids, get your shit, and the pets, We MOOOOOOven." And he did. He whipped himself up an arc, and sailed his ass to the Rockie mountain's while drinking a Coors Lite. Last year I think it was, Portland had 149 days of straight rain. 149 days, shit tell the indian to stop dancing. Hell the soil is so damn fertile in this city, I am afraid to jerk off outside. My seed hits the ground, and POOOOOFFF, 10 million naked me's bust out of the ground looking for Beer. Think about it for a second, a half a year of straight rain. Do these people even have a weather man at this point? Send his ass home. I sort of pictured an elderly man (Like Jerry Stiller from Seinfeld) sitting in a rocking chair, next to a window shouting, "What are you Retarded, it's still raining. GET OUT OF MY ROOM." ------------------------------------- The previous transmission is from my Stand up act, (as if you couldn't have guessed.) please feel free to comment on it, and let me know how you liked it. 5 comments|post comment

[16 Feb 2002|02:53pm] Which Trainspotting Character Are You? 5 comments|post comment

[11 Feb 2002|10:04pm] Which Kids In The Hall recurring character are YOU? post comment

[10 Feb 2002|03:02pm] Which John Cusack Are You? post comment

Breaking out of the egg. [10 Feb 2002|01:04pm] I awoke this morning, as I have countless others, to find that the Hang-over fairy had visited me while I lay unconscious. This is obviously nothing new but when you sit up, hair all disheveled, eyes blurry and half dressed, with the sort of 'what the fuck, man?' look on your face, it is a little discouraging. One of those mornings where you look out the nearest window to find a midget mariachi band in leather bondage gear scrapping heep's of jello off the roof, while fellow 'Return-Es from the land of Duhhh' are wondering around your front lawn, (like 'the day after' in a war-zone,) looking for stray cloths, or that lost girl-friend from last night, or maybe just their car. Yes I have friends like that. When faced with such silliness, I simply hit snooze, and plan to have my morning sometime after noon. 1 comment|post comment

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